Thursday, August 27, 2009


One month from tomorrow, I'll be on a plane headed to Asia. When I think about it, so many thoughts and feelings fill my head. On one hand, I'm very excited to have such an opportunity, but on the other, it breaks my heart to know that I'm leaving my friends, family, and my amazing boyfriend, Bruno, behind.

I think Bruno is the one that makes me the most sad. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I will miss them dearly. However, it's already been almost four years since I left home for college, so I'm used to be away from them. Plus, my brother, JJ, is starting his freshman year at Texas A&M, so he has things of his own to worry about. Not only that, but my family members are all strong in their own ways. They can take care of themselves. They don't need their 21-year-old daughter holding their hand along the way.

Bruno, though...he's different. He's going through so much right now between studying double majors at TCU, working full-time to pay for bills (which includes the two-bedroom apartment I'm leaving behind with him), his service to Army National Guard, and getting ready to commission as an Army officer when he graduates. We support each other emotionally. Sure, I'll be lonely without him, but I'm sure I'll have enough excitement to keep me steady for a little while. But Bruno? He'll be all alone in this miserable apartment. He'll be working his ass off to make enough money to survive, when he's not fulfilling his National Guard or ROTC obligations. His grades will probably suffer due to the weight of the other stressors in his life. And I won't be there to help him. That just tears me apart.

Anyway, I've already started to prepare for the trip. I let my manager know a couple of weeks ago when my last day will be - two weeks from tomorrow. I purchased the last of the items I'd had on hold in the back, so that's taken care of. It was mostly clothes, but also a couple of swimsuits, some cookbooks, and a purse. I had finally paid off my Dillard's card, and now I've already hit my credit limit again. I still wanted to buy some perfume and makeup before I left too. I keep telling myself that I should return everything I bough because I know I don't need it, especially after talking to my mom last night. I told her I was trying to save up for a camcorder, and she told me to keep my money so I'll have some in the Philippines and she'll buy the camcorder. She encouraged me to stop spending money because even five or ten bucks - the cost of lunch - will take me a long way in the Philippines. I feel guilty now thinking about how far $800 - the cost of another one of my infamous, oniomaniacal shopping sprees - would take me. Now, I'm leaving the country with my name in debt. Surprise, surprise. When I was hoping I would have it all paid off by now. I am ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

I have other loose ends to tie before I leave, as well. I still need to go to every college I've attended and request my transcripts. I need a letter of recommendation from TCU; I figure I'll get it from one of my old ROTC instructors. Speaking of ROTC, I still have some equipment I need to turn in to Diana, who is in charge of supply. Then, I need to start packing everything up from my apartment, have my parents help me move it all back home, then collaborate with my mom so we can start officially packing for the trip. I think I'm getting stomach ulcers just thinking about it all. So much to do, so little willpower.

I just hope this all works out. I hope a temporarily long-distance relationship will work out for Bruno and I. I would be absolutely heartbroken if my leaving would be the cause of our relationship's demise. I hope he'll be strong and that he'll do well while I'm away. I hope that I'll do well while I'm away. I hope I do well in my classes and make lots of friends. I've been especially nervous about the latter, as I tend to be a very blunt, straightforward person (i.e. your typical Texan) - traits traditionally frowned upon in the Philippines. I hope I have the time, motivation, and facilities needed for me to workout often and stay active. I'm heartbroken to leave my belly dance and pole dance (for FITNESS, I'm not a stripper) classes. I was really getting into shape, and as much as I would love to continue them in the Philippines, they aren't offered in Dumaguete. I really, really want to bring my pole because I would get just as much of a work out practicing on my own, but 1) there's still a negative stigma attached to "pole dancing" even here in the US, so I certainly wouldn't want to creep out my conservative Filipino aunt and uncle who I'll be staying with, and 2) my pole has a tendency to ruin the ceiling, which I don't mind so much when I'm living in an apartment, but I would mind if I were living in someone else's home. It makes me upset, though, because that thing cost A LOT of money - I want to be able to use it! Also, it is such a fun and amazing workout. It makes muscles burn that you never even knew existed. I would at least like to pack it along just in case, but it's so HEAVY! I would hate to haul that thing all the way there (and pay more at the airport because of the extra weight) just to have it rust away in the closet, then haul it back again when I come home. Oh well. I'll figure something out.

But now I must to work so I can earn a little spending money.